


It Could Never Be Me

by alyseofwonderland (Esyla), Esyla



Series: Speirs/Roe Rare Pair OTP [3]
Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Multi, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-09-08
Packaged: 2018-12-25 10:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12034494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esyla/pseuds/alyseofwonderland, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esyla/pseuds/Esyla
Summary: You looked at him and I knew.Eugene Roe knows he will never be the one. That it will never be him.





	It Could Never Be Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Emono](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emono/gifts).



> So Emono posted [THIS ](http://emono-omae.tumblr.com/post/163506443601/it-could-never-be-me) and I was over taken by the concept and i had to make something!
> 
> Not beta'd

It starts with a flash of a smile in a hastily made aid station. He smiles at Gene in passing, to thank him for patching up a member of his platoon. It’s such a small little thing. Barely being acknowledged, but then the devil never wins a heart all at once.

 

~

 

Chuck isn’t Gene’s first friend in the company. Everyone loves a medic. 

 

Chuck is however the first like minded friend Gene makes at Toccoa. Neither of them have a sweetheart back home and they both smile at the girls but excuse themselves when the night comes to an end.  

 

“You ever think about any of the guys?” Chuck asks over a shared cigarette.

 

“No.” Gene does not lie then. It’s the truth. For two years it’s the truth.

 

Then Lieutenant Ronald Speirs smiles at Gene at the start of a war and he is made a liar.

 

~

 

There’s a flask on his hip, blood on his hands, and a frog in this throat. 

 

“Captain Speirs?” Gene offers the flask to his captain. 

 

“Thanks, Doc.” Speirs takes the gift with shaking bloodied hands. 

 

“Eugene.” It feels important. It is important. If he is going to sit here, in the dark, between a man he loves and the friend’s almost ghost they should be on a first name basis.

 

“Eugene, thank you for helping me save him.” Speirs confesses his gratitude with all the conviction of a saint and Gene feels his path grow more narrow.

 

~

 

The crisp bite of snow and the burning metal of fresh blood will stay with Gene in his nightmares. 

 

When he dreams, if he dreams, he dreams of a man jumping explosions to save all that is precious in this world. 

 

When he day dreams, if he day dreams, he dreams of a dangerous smile on a handsome face and shoulders wide enough to save a company. 

 

~

 

The knife comes at night, silent and sharp.

 

He turns a corner. It could have been another corner. He could have walked anywhere else. But he heard a sound and he turned the corner. 

 

The blade slides in between his ribs, he barely feels it until it has pricked his heart.

 

The figures in the dark before him are familiar. He would know the first anywhere. He closes his eyes and sees his outline against a starlit background. Gene doesn’t need to see the glint of Captain bars to know Speirs.

 

Chuck moans.

 

The blade twists and Gene know now what his grandmother meant when she said desire was a poison. He is dying where he stands, frozen.

 

He watches because turning away would hurt more. He stays because the sound of his heart breaking will be too loud if he moves and they will see him. 

 

~

 

“Grant is awake.” The doctor tells Gene without the burden of knowledge. “He’s going to take some time to recover, of course but the fact that he’s conscious is a wonderful sign.”

 

“Good.” Gene doesn’t feel the word. Not the way he should. The relief is there but mostly he feels the axe above his head come closer. 

 

“Your Captain has already gone to wish him well.” The doctor swings.

 

Gene thinks it will be easier to leave. It was never meant to me him. He had his boon from the devil and now he must suffer for it.

 

~

 

The flask sits empty between them. Gene feels warm, really truly warm for the first time in years; sitting here next to the brightest man he knows. Speirs doesn’t even seems that haggard. Grief cannot dispel his brilliance. 

 

They talk about nothing. It feels like a gift. 

 

Speirs smiles.

 

Gene laughs.

 

For one shining moment there is nothing between them. Not the bullet. Not the past. Not the war. Not the future. 

 

Gene doesn’t consider it brave. He considers it cowardice that propels him forward. Fear and selfishness make him lean across the space and press his lips to a mouth he has longed for. 

 

He’s kissed men before. He’s kissed more men than he can count. This one shouldn’t be so important. This snatched moment in Austria shouldn’t feel like the end of the line. 

 

In that moment he finally understands Eve, this taste is worth losing everything. He has taken a bite of an apple not meant for him. He has betrayed his friend, when there was no defense against the betrayal.

 

With a single kiss he has ruined everything.

 

~

 

“Eugene!” The voice stops him. He can’t run from that voice.

 

“Sir?” Gene turns to Speirs. He begs for this to be over. Let the axe swing clean.

 

“Grant is asking for you.” Speir offers, like he could save Gene with just his words but there is no absolution here.

“I can’t do that.” Gene doesn’t need to see the judge to know he is guilty.

 

“Why not?” Speirs doesn’t see it. 

 

“You know exactly why not.” Gene leaves. He never should have started this. He should have hardened his heart. He should never have tasted the apple. 

 

~

 

He pulls back, horrified. 

 

Speirs looks at him for one blessedly confused moment. Then he kisses Gene back, pulls him into his lap, puts hands on him. 

 

Maybe a better man would have stopped. Maybe a better man would have said no. Maybe a better man wouldn’t have let the flames of passion consume them. Gene wasn’t that man. It had an apple in his mouth and damnation on his skin. He didn’t stop. He kept going. They kept going. Against the hard surface of a wall they continued. 

 

As his back was stripped of skin by the stone and his mouth was owned by a man that didn’t belong to him Gene came to understand that the devil didn’t have to put sinners in hell, they would do it to themselves.

 

~

 

“So, you and Speirs?” Gene asks his friend.

 

“Can you believe it?” Chuck smiles with the joy of the sun coming out after the rain. 

 

Gene thinks; if it had to be anyone to have him, I’m glad it’s Chuck. If I have to be alone in this at least my friend can have this joy.

 

~

 

He’s the first one to see him. Gene is on duty when the call comes in. If the alley had been a knife between his ribs this is a bullet to the gut. 

 

He’s alive.

 

For now.

 

Gene prays. Gene hopes. He thinks of all the things he hasn’t said to one of his few confidants. 

 

Speirs is wrecked. Their captain visibly shaking. Gene sees the heartbreak with clear eyes and knows that if they lose Chuck there will be no recovering from this. When Speirs tells him to load Chuck in the back of the jeeps he does it without question.

 

When the the Austrian doctor takes Chuck from under his hands Gene feels a mix of every emotion man has ever been able to name. 

 

Later he will take a flask. Later he will do the unthinkable. 

 

But in that moment in an empty hallway with a stranger between his friend and death Gene realizes how much he loves Chuck Grant.

 

That’s what makes what he does next worse. That’s what ruins him.

 

~

 

He goes to see Chuck when the doctors say he is speaking normally again. Weeks later than he should have. His soul is tarnished but Gene still has a soul and for now he wants to see his friend. 

 

“Speirs told me what happened.” Chuck says after a long wait. 

 

“Oh.” Gene waits for the knife, the axe, the flames.

 

“Gene, why didn’t you tell me how you felt about him?” Chuck asks with the grace of an angel, like the miracle he actually is. 

 

“I couldn’t bring myself to speak it, and then you were happy.” Gene confesses his sins. “And now I’ve spoiled it.”

 

Chuck smiles at him and Gene wishes he could leave, that he could shy away from this moment.

 

“We are already breaking a lot of rules in this life. Why don’t we break one more?” Chuck offers this like absolution. His lips taste like holy water. Gene didn’t know that the secret to being washed clean was to confess. He should have listened at church.

 

~

 

It end with three. It ends with a miracle. It ends with Charles Grant alive and healthy. It ends with Eugene Roe getting more than his daydreams. It ends with Ronald Speirs having more silver than three men can use. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Come hang out with me on tumblr](http://www.alyseofwonderland.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> Time line in order
> 
> -Gene and Chuck become friends figure out they are both queer  
> -Gene meets Speirs and is shook  
> -Speirs takes over Easy  
> -Chuck and Speirs start something  
> -Gene catches them at an intimate moment  
> -Chuck gets shot  
> -Gene brings Speirs alcohol after chuck is shot  
> -Gene kisses Speirs and feels terribly guilty about it  
> -Speirs kisses him back  
> -Chuck Wakes up and Gene bows out  
> -Speirs chases him down  
> -chuck confesses and they start a more open relationship


End file.
